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An Unlikely Mom-Blogger

For anyone who knows me, the idea that I would create a blog about motherhood is laughable. I don’t even like kids. The daily (and nightly) call to motherhood has been the apex of my struggles over the last…well, every since I got pregnant with my oldest daughter 6 years ago. However, ever so gradually — the Lord is changing my narrative.

While there have always been hours and occasionally whole days where I haven’t been fighting the cosmic battle, “God, why do I have to do this and why does it have to be so hard?” I have spent most of my years as a mom kicking back against what the Lord has for me. I still functioned — keeping the kids safe and fed, taking care of the house, completing the day’s duties — but there was little life and joy in my work. I was as removed as I could possibly be and just bid the time until I could have my solitude or an hour or two of leisure at the end of the day with just me and my husband (and wine).

This was no way to live, but I felt stuck. It wasn’t until about 6 months after my second daughter was born that I realized I was dealing with postpartum depression. As the years went on, I wasn’t sure if I was still dealing with PPD, if it had morphed into just “regular” depression (whatever that means), if I was simply dealing with the tolls of chronic sleep deprivation, or maybe motherhood is just hard {true} and I am a stubborn sinner {definitely}. Perhaps it was a combination of all of the above. All I knew was that I had a cloud over me most of the time; even on the days that “should” be considered good days.

Whatever the source(s) of my struggle, the devil has also done a number on me in the midst of this cloud of depression: namely, whispering to me of my inadequacy in everything that I do. It’s funny, Jesus tells us that we are inadequate (because it’s true), but it’s freeing and empowering. “‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” But when satan tells me of my inadequacy, it paralyzes me and sends me further into the pit that I’m already trapped in.

Here’s an example from a few years ago: We actually were having a great day — the weather was great, the day was long and tiring, but I said to myself,

“Hey! I made it through a big trip to the grocery store without losing my patience with the girls, unloaded everything, fed them lunch, successfully put them down for naps, made it to the park and got to visit with a friend while the girls had fun. I’m doing it!”

(Since obviously those wins were a result of my doing — not God’s kindness)

So since I was on a roll, I decided (at 5pm — total rookie mistake) to drive to a consignment sale across town with two hungry toddlers woefully in tow — because I had stubbornly decided that I needed to do everything that I had planned to do that day… Without going into too much detail: there was traffic, driving around not knowing where to park, a poopie/wet diaper/pants/carseat explosion, pants-less and screaming children, judgmental stink-eyes from moms, an abandoned pile of consignment items when I finally admitted defeat, and the grand finale of yelling at the girls in the parking lot, yanking them out of the stroller and into the car, and peeling away in a fury. For days afterwards I was just waiting for a follow-up visit from CPS.

It get’s better from here, don’t worry….

So I’m sitting at the stoplight in rush-hour traffic with wailing girls and my heart pounding. I hear the ever-repeated voice in my head, “You are ridiculous. So immature. Stubborn. Selfish. Unfit.” All true, at least in that moment — but that’s not where the Gospel would have me land. But by the grace of God I turned around and apologized to Savannah, my oldest. (The apology was aimed at my younger daughter, too, but it was less of a special moment because she’s still in a rear-facing carseat and I can only see the top of her head)

With tears in my eyes, I turned around.

“Savannah, I’m sorry for losing my patience and being rough with you. I was mean. Will you forgive me?”

Savannah nodded, sighed, and a close-lipped smile came across her face. It was Jesus to me, “It’s over. you’re forgiven. I already died and rose for this.”

I told her that I loved her and she shrugged her shoulders twice, turned her head to the side, and bashfully whispered with lowered eyes,

“I love you.” Then looked up at me and said, “Should we pray?”

*MELT*

*and tears*

Friends, Jesus is so powerful in his grace to us. He used a 2 year old who was melting down from the hurt of her own mama to show mercy and true forgiveness. Unfortunately, most incidences where I lose it toward my children don’t end as sweetly as this one. However, I share it because it reminds me that the unearned love of Christ for me is more powerful than all my shortcomings. Despite my frequent failings and my slow growth as a mom, He is doing a good work. I still struggle with depression, and often snuff out the opportunities for joy and gratitude that each day brings, but He is ever faithful. Let’s lean into Him and watch His transformation of these hearts of stone.

“Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.”

Published by juliedavis1013

Wife of 1. Mom of 3. Daughter of the King.

One thought on “An Unlikely Mom-Blogger

  1. You expose a (oh-so) familiar quality I’m not proud to have lived it- our children see our sin often before anyone else! What a relief and joy grace is when given by our children. O Love that will not let me go, I rest my weary soul in Thee!
    Thank you dear one. God is working in you a deeper love for Him that has a fruit of gratitude for those called Mom.

    Like

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